I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
