Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
