I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
