my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
