I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
