Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
