Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
