i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
