Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
