I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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