I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
