Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
