yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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