wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
