I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
