I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
