Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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