could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
