i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The beers last night were like the tears from god
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
