I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
