Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
