If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
