We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize