OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
