so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
