i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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