I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
