Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
