I must be too annoying 4 u.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
