Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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