Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
