There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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