my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
