Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
