Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
3pm strippers are depressing
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
