we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
