Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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