are you still at the devil's house?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
