note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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