Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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