I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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