im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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