you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
