I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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