I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
