he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
