Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
