Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
