Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
