this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
