apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
