there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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