I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
