i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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