Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
