I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
