Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
