i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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