I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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