Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
