i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Life is so much better after having sex.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
