I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
