I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
