DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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